Warning - contains fart gags.

I didn’t make the above meme, but it did inspire the following story…

Pope Clement VII hurried into his secret Vatican eartrumpet chamber and located the trumpet pointed at the arsecheeks of the highly suspicious Henry VIII of England.

“Camerlengo! Camerlengo!” he cried, motioning for his secretary to come and take notes. “Henry’s arsecheeks are clapping out the tune of treachery!”
“But Holy Father, Henry is a devout Catholic and your great predecessor Leo X granted him titles in the honour of his defence of the faith, how can he possibly be plotting against the Holy See?”
“Listen, child, listen to the sound of the dump truck he calls a bottom.” The Pope leaned in towards the young man standing confusedly before him, wagging a long, bony finger. “Listen and tell me that the wet slapping he makes is the sound of a man with a clear conscience to present at the gates of St. Peter.”

Deferring to God’s representative on Earth, the Camerlengo leant forwards and listened to the ear trumpet, but within seconds leapt back, brandishing his crucifix.

“Oh! The unholy sounds! Father, he released the Devil’s breath! The rumbling, bubbling sounds, oh Santa Maria…”
“My child, my child, you must rest, the Devil’s breath is difficult for anyone to hear, even myself. Go and sleep, and tomorrow we will decide what to do about these obtuse stratagems.”

The Camerlengo bowed with as much composure as he could locate and tried to walk calmly from the room, but soon broke into the run of a man trying to escape damnation itself. The Pope corked the trumpet and looked around. If a miracle was on offer, he would take it, he thought. The Church itself, and the soul of every one of his flock, was at stake.