The KWTF Nighttime Shopping Experience

You fell asleep on the sofa, but suddenly a voice jolts you awake…

Hello and welcome to the KWTF Nighttime Shopping Experience, I’m your host Ken Planck. It’s 3am Eternal and you’re either an insomniac, a bored security guard, an amphetamine addict, or all three, and have we got some great products for you tonight, no questions asked refunds for 30 days if you’re not happy, you know there’s no reason not to try then buy with easy credit, call that order number just as soon as you see the thing you never thought you needed!

Firstly, I’m going to throw it over to Karen in the kitchen, Karen, I hear you’ve got the perfect thing to help with salads?

Thanks Ken, I have! Hi, I’m Karen, Lady Quince-Beregéon, and I want to talk to you about salads. If you’re anything like me, then you’ll have been stood in the kitchen chopping up tomatoes, grating carrots and baking mayonnaise for a salad for hours on end, and you’re just thinking, hey, why am I doing this in silence? So I’m here to say - no more! We’ve got the perfect gadget to keep you entertained whilst you’re trying to keep your new puppy away from the vol-au-vents and to tell you more about it, I’d like to introduce Bradley in the garage.

Howdy folks, I’m Bradley, Lord Quince-Beregéon, and that lovely lady over there is my wife, Karen. I’m here to talk to you about how to keep your new puppy away from the vol-au-vents. Maybe when you’ve been trying that you’ve thought, well, what if I just popped the little scamp in the garage? But you know you can’t do that because we’ve all got hazards in our garages. I’m talking about:

tins of half-used paint
paint in half-used tins
solvents
hungry toolboxes
piles of unidentified leaves
collections of Readers’ Digest magazine binders
the household time transmitter
and of course, wheat by-products

So you can’t very well leave your little bundle of energy in there, can you? But we’ve got the perfect solution to what to do with all that hazardous junk, and to tell us more about it, let’s go to Marie in the garden.

Thank you Bradley, I am Marie Kondo, author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. You need to go to all of your junk, touch it, and hope that it doesn’t eat you in your sleep later on. Do not under any circumstances throw it away, it will return to haunt you, and nobody wants a ghost binder haunting them in their sleep! But we’ve got the perfect thing to help with those ghost binders, and to tell you more about it, I’m going to pass you over to Karen in the Living Room. Hey Karen!

Hey Marie! I’m Karen, Lady Quince-Beregéon. Thanks for joining me here in the living room. We’ve all had the ghost binders issue, and haven’t we all just thought, hey, if only I had a more powerful vacuum cleaner? Then I could just suck that pesky little ghost binder right out of the air. Well, I’m here to tell you that that dream of a ghost-suckingly powerful vacuum cleaner is within reach, and in fact it’s so powerful it can suck the ghost right out of someone’s body! To hear more, let’s go down to the basement to talk to our resident exorcist, Count Dracula.

Thanks, Karen. I am the great Count Dracula, and I endorse this vacuum cleaner. I use it for tidying up the souls of my victims when they get all flappy and disorganised, and this vacuum cleaner can be yours on our new account payment plan. Now, we know you love a good payment plan, and even more than that you love the guy with the payment plans, so here’s Barry Accountancy!

Thank you, Count. Hi. I’m Barry Accountancy. All our payment plans are 100% risk free to yourselves if you decide to cancel your purchase and return it to us, at our expense, so long as you have not damaged the product or in any way made it unsaleable, including but not limited to:

storing the soul of a pet or loved one in it
removing the plastic coverings
using it during a crime, crime spree or hostile takeover of a foreign nation
fish

For full terms and conditions, please phone our number, which I’m sure Ken will want to give you. Ken.

Hi and welcome back to the KWTF Nighttime Shopping Experience with me, your host, myself, and I, Ken Planck. Now we’ve all had awkward cocktail parties, haven’t we? Those ones that just don’t pop like they should and would be great if only you had invited a Kylie Minogue drag act - but where do you find one of those? I don’t know any! My wife keeps telling me I don’t know any if I want our marriage to survive, and I can assure you that when you’re married to international tidiness icon Marie Kondo, the last thing you want is for your wife to touch you and declare “this does not spark joy”…