An Alternative Vision of Theresa May’s Press Conference - 15th November 2018

17:40

“We interrupt this edition of Pointless to join the BBC News Channel for an important breaking story.”

“Good evening, and welcome to this BBC News special, I’m Huw Edwards. The Prime Minister, Theresa May has just given an extraordinary press conference in 10 Downing Street, we go live now to our Political Editor Laura Kuenssberg, who was there. Laura, what can you tell us?”
“Hello Huw, well, for over a year now Theresa May’s detractors have been referring to her as ‘The Maybot’ after she gave what many described as a very wooden performance during the General Election campaign. But tonight in an unprecendented move, the Prime Minister appeared at the podium in 10 Downing Street and removed her outer layers to reveal she was, in fact, actually a robot.”
“That is quite a revelation, was there an accompanying statement?”
“Yes, Huw, there was - the robot donned a crash helmet and was joined by her similarly robotic husband to perform a medley of Daft Punk hits.”
“For any of our viewers who are unfamiliar with them, Daft Punk are a French techno duo who dress up as robots, but surely the fact that the Prime Minister performed the hits of a French duo is going to enrage the European Research Group of Brexiteer Conservative MPs?”
“That is definitely correct, already we’ve had Jacob Rees-Mogg saying that the Prime Minister is ‘clearly an undercover EU automaton trying to sabotage Brexit’ and David Davis has expressed his disagreement by tipping a can of red paint over a stuffed weasel.”
“But what about the Cabinet, surely there must be some shock among the ministers who, presumably, thought they knew Theresa May?”
“We’ve had a mixed reaction from Cabinet ministers, Liam Fox said he thinks she might have changed her hair, the Chancellor has said he doesn’t see why this is relevant and that we should all be getting behind the Prime Minister at this difficult time, and finally Michael Gove has rather puzzlingly noted that the rest of the Cabinet are, quote, ‘absolutely human through and through, and there is no reason to suspect any of them may be a hyperintellient shade of the colour purple operating a human suit.’”
“Do you think the Prime Minister can stay on, Laura?”
“I do indeed think the Prime Minister can survive this revalation, for starters this will likely poll very well with voters, who tend to approve of authenticity in politics, and secondly it turns out the Prime Minister has a very large laser cannon built into her shoulder, so if I were a Tory MP who had submitted a letter of no confidence to Graham Brady, I would be seriously reconsidering right about now.”
“Laura Kuenssberg, thank you. And we’ll be back with Laura as this story develops.”